These are the days...

Whew! We have had a lot going on recently, most of which have involved unplanned craziness such as sickness and single mom-dom for a week (24 hours a day) while the hubs is out of town. No time to even breath! Are you feeling sorry for me yet? If not, let me mention that the week of single mom-dom also happened to be the week that Ella Bailey's gums decided to pop out six teeth at one time and Hayes decided that big boys don't sleep.

Once again, I have a lot of blogging to catch up on. On a happy note, I have lots of pics to post from the first birthday of Miss Priss, Easter and other fun things we have been doing in this beautiful weather, but I wanted to throw in a random post first on a topic that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

Life has been so crazy the last couple of months and by 9 o'clock every night my body wants to collapse, yet I can't seem to turn my brain off. Between worrying about my mother's health, going over my to-do list for the next day, thinking of fun activities to keep Hayes entertained, trying to decide exactly which bow would look best with Ella Bailey's new outfit that I got out of the mailbox that day and wondering if anything short of bankruptcy will stop me from buying all those stinkin' cute and frilly outfits, I have also been just thinking about my life, in general....more specifically about how much my life has changed in the last 5 years.

I certainly never thought that I would be a stay-at-home mom, yet I could have never imagined how rewarding it would be. Things change so incredibly much once you have children and there are always parts of your former life that you miss, as well as parts of your current life that you wouldn't trade for anything in the world. There are also things that you do as a mother that your pre-kid self could never ever (ever ever ever) in your wildest dreams have imagined that you would be doing one day. I have been thinking about these things a lot lately and decided to compile a list. I must warn you that some of them are just downright gross, but if you have ever birthed a child I am quite sure that you are right there with me, sister. So, here is my (long) list of things that I have done so far as a mother that I never would have guessed five years ago that I would one day do......

• Suddenly become THAT mom (gasp): Ok folks, this is a BIG one in my book. The most important thing that I have learned since having kids is to never ever judge another mother. I remember many of my pre-kid trips to retail stores when I swore that I would never be THAT mom....you know the one that is threatening to cut her screaming child's arm off if they reach out and grab another toy off the shelf or the one that is frantically opening a box of cookies in the middle of an aisle and feeding them to their child(ren) in hopes of buying enough time to grab a box of diapers and a bottle of wine. Well, you guessed it....those descriptions are mild compared to some of my attempts to go out in public with both kids. On a similar note, what is up with all the buzz about Alicia Silverstone chewing up food for her child? I mean, yeah, it is extremely gross and I am not really the bird feeding type, but who am I to judge another mother that is obviously doing something because she thinks it is right for her child? I assure you that every good mother has done their own share of pretty disgusting things for her child's benefit. Granted, many mothers may not talk about those downright ugly and disgusting moments, but I, on the other hand, will give all the gory details below of a few of these things that I have done that are pretty disgusting and not exactly anything I ever thought I would do....all for your viewing pleasure. 
• Spend a large portion of my day discussing, thinking about or praying for poop: Well, let's just say that I have some really constipated children and making sure that my babies have a good poop has been a constant battle at the Gardner house. Both have struggled really bad with this since birth and I have been downright amazed at what length I will go to to help my babies poop when they are bloated and in pain. I truly believe that God made Mommas with some extra special talents and dealing with poop without cringing is a great example of this. I can put a suppository in my pitiful baby with my eyes closed or physically help them poop when they were infants (I will spare you the details on this one) without thinking twice. David would gag just discussing it and it is one of those things that I never could have imagined myself doing, but it is amazing what you do without skipping a beat when your child is suffering. 
• Physically become an out-of-touch with the rest of the world, walking zombie: Oh, the joys of the colicky newborn! I am one of those people that desperately need sleep in order to function and I never knew the true meaning of "sleep-deprived" until Hayes was born. You hear all the stories, but never really can comprehend that feeling until you experience it. Hayes had very bad colic, did not sleep at all for the first few months and I was truly a walking zombie that simply went through the motions. I also had very bad post-partum depression, but that is a blog post for another day. Anyway, I have always been the kind of girl that doesn't go to the mailbox without make-up on and on the rare occasion that I actually left the house during the first couple of months after Hayes' birth (usually to get formula or gripe water) I could have cared less what I looked like. I mean, I sported the spit-up covered sweats like it was freakin' Gucci. I specifically remember one funny story that is a great example of this. It was one of those mornings where I hadn't slept at all in days and Hayes had been inconsolable and screaming for four hours straight. I had just gotten off the phone with his nurse, June (we were really tight by this point), and the doc had called in another medicine for reflux to try. So, I was on the way to the pharmacy to get it and I wasn't even sure that I could drive the three miles there without falling asleep. The last 24 hours had been a total blur and I was completely in a fog. I pulled up at the drive-thru and when I put my hand out to take the prescription from the lady, I noticed that I had poop covering my fingernail on my index finger. The sweet lady just looked down at it, faked a big 'ole smile and put the prescription in my other hand. The funny thing is that I could have cared less and didn't even try to explain. Who has a poop covered fingernail in public and isn't even bothered by it??!!! The mother of a newborn with colic, that's who! Ugh, I know that is gross, but that story perfectly sums up the month or so after Hayes was born!
• Pour my heart out  (tears included) to a Wal-Mart cashier: Well, after the poop on the fingernail story, you are probably thinking that I couldn't get any more loony, right? Wrong! So, on one of those glorious nights where Hayes had been crying non-stop for about five hours straight, I called the doctor's emergency line around midnight. By this time, I was quite certain they were going to start screening my calls, but I ended up getting to speak to the doctor. After my rant about how he hadn't pooped in four days (see previous bullet regarding constipation) and seemed to be in so much pain, she told me to go buy a certain formula and start giving it to him immediately. By this point, we had tried about six different kinds of formula and none of them had helped. The doctor had told us that there was a formula that greatly helped some babies with constipation, but we would try that as a last resort, because it was about triple the price of regular formula. So, we jumped in the car and headed to Walmart about 2 a.m. to get this way-out-of-our-budget formula. I marched in decked out in my pjs (another thing that I would NEVER had done pre-kid) and I about had a heart attack when I picked up the can of formula and saw the cost. OMG....we are talking about crazy expensive. Of course, I knew that it would be worth it if it helped, but this was at a time when we were doing everything to make ends meet so that I could stay at home with Hayes. Anyway, after seeing the price while standing in Wal-Mart at 2 a.m. after listening to 6+ hours of my baby endlessly screaming and not to even mention those crazy hormones, I was on the verge of tears. Well, in my pre-kid days if I had even the thought of crying for some reason in a retail store, I would have definitely atleast kept my composure until I made it to the car, but in my post-kid (2 a.m.) day, I had a breakdown to the Wal-mart employee on aisle 5. I would like to think that I would have been ok if she hadn't asked me if everything was alright, but once she did, it was all over....a straight-up, crocodile tear, snotty breakdown. Poor lady. On a happy note, the formula did help. :)
• Get excited about peeing alone: It is a known fact that once your baby comes in the door, your privacy high tails it out the door. This is one of those things that you never really think about before you have kids, but peeing alone in silence can be quite enjoyable. Hell, anything that you do in silence after you have kids can be quite enjoyable. On the rare occasion that I can actually close the door to pee, there are usually 10 fingers wiggling under the door, accompanied by two fist banging on the door. I must confess that there are times when David is home that I say I am going to the bathroom, but instead I just lock the door and sit on the counter and breathe...or look at Facebook on my phone....or pluck my eyebrows....in silence. Don't judge, you all know that you have done it atleast once.
• Google "How to treat a sick Betta fish" at 1 a.m.: Most of my pre-kid mornings at 1 a.m. were spent guzzling a fishbowl margarita, instead of desperately trying to figure out how to save the life of a sick fish inside a fishbowl. 
• Condone my child peeing in public: This is another one of those "I will never be THAT mom" kind of things. I have taught Hayes where is and is not appropriate to pee, but when you gotta go, you gotta go, and when you announce you gotta go in the parking lot after a 1-hour stressful grocery shopping trip, Momma is just going to pull your pants down and hide your sweet little self behind the car door instead of lugging you and your grumpy sister back into the store.
• Worry about everything like my Momma does: It is a known fact that my Momma wakes up worrying which way the wind is going to blow that day. She is a chronic worrier and it has always drove me nuts. I have always been more of the laid-back type, but since I had kids that has certainly changed. I worry about my babies non-stop without ceasing. I know that I drive David a little crazy with this and maybe I will get better about it when they are older and seem less fragile, but I gave birth to these little boogers and by golly I am going to do everything in my power to keep them safe, healthy and happy....even if that means trading in my posh purse for a more Mary Poppins-ish one that's equipped with everything from disposable place mats to Benadryl. Last year around this time, we were at a friend's house in Birmingham and Hayes started running a fever. I always carry Tylenol with me, but this was one of those rare times that I had actually run out and failed to put a new bottle in my bag. We were about to run to the store to grab some when he had a febrile seizure. Of course I don't feel guilty for this (ok, not anymore at least) and I know that we likely wouldn't have been able to get the fever down before it spiked and caused the seizure, but I do know that it was the worst moment of my life and there is now a bottle of Tylenol permanently placed in my big 'ole bag. I have come to realize that nothing is going to change the fact that I obsessively worry about my children (and have gradually turned into my mother), so I have learned to do things that make me worry less, such as making sure that I feel prepared. Although I know that things are going to happen no matter how prepared we are, my 20lb bag makes me feel better and that is what matters, right? (Not to mention that I have a killer muscle on the arm that I carry the bag on.)
• Be late every single place I go: Oh man, this is a source of constant frustration in my life. I HATE being late. It stresses me out beyond measure. Since, I have had kids I have not been on time anywhere. I have always been the five minute early type, but now if I am only five minutes late, then it is a good day. Here's the thing....I have tried to start getting ready earlier, but it just never works. As soon as I get everyone ready and pat myself on the back on the way out the door, I realize that there is a MIA paci or someone throws up in the car seat...every-freakin'-time! So, if we plan to meet at 9, just plan to be there around 9:30...and bring some good reading material, because you still may have to wait awhile.
• Debate a 3-year-old: I am talking about seriously debating....ya know, the kind of debating where you make sure that the other party understands how certain you are of the validity of your argument...then go Google it to make sure that you are right....and I am talking about the other party being a 3-year-old. So, maybe I missed the day in Science class when they taught exactly what makes it rain (but that is what Google is for, right), but I am for sure not going to be out-smarted by a 3-year-old. One thing that I try VERY hard not to do is to answer Hayes' "why" questions in kiddie terms. I try really hard to explain to him how things work in the most developmentally appropriate way I can think of, but there are many times that I just have to throw my hands up, and I eventually end up , somehow questioning my own intelligence. Nonetheless, I am determined not to be defeated by a 3-year-old. I guess I have to get a little more creative, though, because today Hayes said, "Why is my chicken nugget bigger on one side? Oh, lemme guess...'cause God made it that way??"
• Take a night in the bed over a night on the town: I would dare say that this is probably the most extreme one for me, because this 'ole girl LOVED some clubbin' (wonder if they still call it that...damn I am old). My pre-kid self was always up for a partay no matter what day or what time, and I never dreamed that I would see a day where I'd rather take a hot bath and lie in the bed staring mindlessly at the t.v., but here I am. Don't get me wrong, I still love to go out with David when we can and I love girl's nights, but "unwinding" has a entirely different meaning to me these days. Here is my idea of a dream night right now.....me in a hotel room, no one to take care of, no one to talk to, wine, hot tub, room service, Cici's barbeque pizza, Sex and the City re-runs, hot brownie with ice cream (2 scoops).....a girl can dream, can't she?!

So, there ya have it. I know that this list will continue to grow, but each item listed will be a memory made. I have learned in the last five years that, as a parent, there are many times that you have to laugh to keep from crying. I have also learned that (and this is a major thing I teach my kids) it is ok to cry....we all do it, some privately and some in aisle 5 of Wal-Mart, like myself. However, laughter will always eventually come after the tears, which leads me to one last thing on my list that I have done as a mom that I would have never guessed five years ago that I would one day do.....

• Love so much it takes my breath: When I was pregnant, a friend of mine told me that there was no way to describe the love you have for your own child and you can't imagine it until you give birth. She was right....there is no possible way to put this love into words. When Hayes took his first breath, I literally lost mine. When he smiled at me first the first time with his little gummy grin, I lost my breath again, and again when he said "Momma" for the first time, and it just goes on and on. Then, when I thought that my heart couldn't hold any more of that extra special kind of love, I found out that I was pregnant with Ella Bailey and the process started all over again. 

In motherhood, there many moments that we feel like breaking down, moments that we question our own sanity and moments in which we find ourselves doing things we never thought we would do, but the beauty in it all is that those moments are always followed by the moments that take our breath away.

I seriously CANNOT believe that my baby girl is one! Ahhhhh!!! It really does seems like yesterday that she was born and it just blows my mind how fast these two kiddos are growing up (tear)! Ella Bailey had such a FUN birthday and Hayes just had a blast celebrating with her. Lots of partying called for lots of pictures and I am still in the process of editing. Birthday details and pics to come soon!

In the meantime, I have to post a picture before I forget. We have always been amazed by how much Hayes and Ella Bailey look alike, but I was looking back at Hayes' first birthday pictures today and decided to do a little comparison....OMG! Hayes has blue eyes and Ella Bailey's are a brownish/golden/hazel color, but other than that, I think they look SO much alike. Check out the pic below! Ella Bailey is on the left (a week after her first birthday) and Hayes is on the right (on his first birthday)!

Hayesisms

One of the many reasons that I started a blog is so that I will always have it to remember the details of my daily life with the kids, and the main thing that I never want to forget is all of the funny, sweet and crazy things they say. I find myself constantly making mental notes of things that Hayes says that I want to remember, then forgetting to write them down and not being able to remember them a week later. So, I am going to try to write a "Hayesisms" post at least once a week and before too long (tear) I will be writing a "Ella Baileyism" post, too!

I know that we all think our kids are hilarious, but I swear that I never stop laughing when I am around Hayes. His favorite thing to do is to crack us up and I have no idea how he thinks of half the things he does. He is a hoot! However, as much as I want to remember all of his funny comments, I will absolutely die if I forget all of the precious things he says to me. For some reason, in the last six months he has been complimenting me constantly and throwing out random "I love you"s to me like they are going out of style. He has always been a Momma's boy, but he has put it in overdrive recently and I am eating it up! Not to mention, he talks to Ella Bailey like she is a little princess and the love he verbally shows her absolutely positively melts my heart.

Anyway, here are some of the most recent Hayesisms that I don't want to forget.....

• We are driving in the car and Hayes is telling me some story about a man getting bit by a dog and he is going on and on and on. It was raining, we were in traffic and I was trying to pay attention to the road, so I was only halfway listening to the story. Eventually, I said, "Hayes, what are you talking about?" He said, "Oh nothing, it was just something I saw on Facebook."
• This morning, Hayes walked into the living room holding my bra in his hand. He said, "Hey Momma, how do you put this boobie holder thang on??"
• The last part of Ella Bailey's bedtime routine is that Hayes kisses her goodnight. Tonight after he kissed her, he grabbed her hand and said, "Now you just wake me up if you need anything at all tonight, pretty girl."
• "Momma, a lot of times today I stopped playing and just prayed for you. I just thanked Jesus for you, Momma."
• Last night, Hayes was talking to David and said, "You know Momma's Paw Paw lives in Heaven with Jesus. One day I will get to live in Heaven with Jesus too, but until then I am just going to keep Jesus close to me in my heart."
•  When Hayes gets in bed every night he and I have "cuddle time." A couple of nights ago, he was about to get into the bed and said, "Momma, I can't wait to cuddle with you. I've been thinking about it all day."

LOVE that sweet boy!!

Boo, Boo Boo and Boo Boo Boo

Last week, our beloved Beta fish, Boo, passed away. It was a very difficult time at the Gardner house. Hayes has never lost anyone (or anything) close to him and I now believe that you can explain death to a young child in every possible way that you can think of, but they will not fully understand it (as much as a child can) until they experience it.

I must say that I never thought that I would shed tears over the death of a fish, but it turns out that this is merely one more thing to add to my "Things I never thought I would do, but have done since being a Mommy" list (right above looking forward to the opportunity to pee alone). Anyway, my heart broke for Hayes, for his loss and for the fact that every fiber of his sweet little self was trying to understand the ins and outs of death.

Boo was a 2nd birthday present for Hayes and he loved him from the moment we got him. He was a bit of an impulse buy while I was at Pet Smart and I thought that it would be something different to give Hayes, while hopefully having the added benefit of a lesson in responsibility. I was not too concerned when the cashier happily told me that he came with a 14-day money back guarantee, because I thought that Hayes' excitement would likely last for two days max, but I was oh so wrong. Not only did Hayes love to just sit and watch him swim, but he also amazed me with how good he was about remembering to feed him, ask me to change his water, etc. Boo was the first pet Hayes had that was all his own and not only did he teach Hayes a great lesson about being responsible, but his death also taught Hayes a sad lesson that we all must learn. Yet the most important lesson in all of this was really teaching Hayes that although death is sad, we should also feel joy, because of a glorious place we call Heaven.

Although I knew that Hayes loved Boo, I was a little taken back by how upset Hayes was by his death. Actually, I didn't expect it at all. Yet, what was more unexpected than that were the questions that Hayes began asking. Although Hayes is only 3 years old and this was the first time he has experienced death, he had the exact same questions that adults have when they lose a loved one. The only difference is Hayes expressed his emotion outwardly and asked these questions freely. I believe that many times we (adults) feel like we know the answers, but still struggle with these questions in our minds. We know that our loved ones are in a better place, where there is no pain or sorrow, and we know that we shouldn't question God's plan, yet we still do and instead struggle with these questions internally. When it comes to the death of our loved ones, whether we admit it or not, we all struggle with selfishness. A 3-year-old is no different and Hayes' recurring statement was, "I know that Boo is happy with Jesus, but I don't care, because I want him to still be here with me!" Thinking back to a time when you lost a loved one, how familiar is that question?

Well, since this post is already depressing, I suppose I should document Boo's final days. :) Here is the crazy part (as if an entire blog post mourning the death of a fish isn't crazy enough)..... Two weeks before Boo passed away, I walked by his tank and noticed that he was belly up. Hayes was asleep and I didn't want him to see Boo belly-up, so we made the impulsive decision that we should replace him without Hayes knowing. Don't judge. :) So, I told David to give him a proper "burial". Well, apparently David's idea of a proper "burial" includes a cold toilet, but guess what?!? I hear, "OH my Gosh, Boo is ALIVE!!!". What?! Not only has this fish exceeded his 14-day money back guarantee by almost 2 years, but the dang thing also rose from the dead!!!! I know, I know....this story just gets crazier and crazier, huh? Welcome to my life.

So, David takes Boo out of his tank to flush him and he starts breathing and flopping!!!! Although, Boo cheated death, I could tell that he was still sick. He wouldn't eat much and wouldn't swim away from the top of the water, so I had a feeling that his days were limited. Well, I get the great idea that I am going to heal our fish, so next thing I knew I found myself on the Internet at 1 a.m. researching Betas for two hours...and there was not even alcohol involved. I finally decided that Boo had lived a good life and that I would just let him die naturally without intervening with meds. :) On the bright side, I am now a Beta expert, so if anyone has any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

I talked to Hayes about Boo being sick and we prayed for him a lot, but he still was not prepared. One night a couple of weeks later, Hayes told me to come look at Boo and he had definitely passed away. So, we laid in the bed and had a long conversation with Hayes. The saddest part was that he was asking all of these questions and I noticed his lip quivering. He looked away as tears welled up in his eyes and for some reason, he was trying SO hard not to cry. I grabbed him and we both burst into tears.

Boo avoided the flush and instead got a real burial in our yard. After a lot of discussion, Hayes decided that he wanted to get another Beta, so we decided that we would take a family trip to Pet Smart and let him pick out another fish. The day that we were planning to go, Hayes said, "Momma, I would like to ask the lady at the store if she could give us Boo's Daddy. I would get his Momma, but I think that Boo is probably playing with his Momma in Heaven right now." Hayes also decided that he wanted to name his new fish Boo Boo. :)

So, we got Boo Boo, a new (and much improved) tank and lots of pretty plants for him to enjoy. The bad part was that the lady at Pet Smart told us that they had received a bad shipment of Bettas with contaminated water that week, but hey...there is a 14-day money back guarantee!! I surely didn't want Hayes to have to go through another fish death, but I also knew that we had to get a fish that night because Hayes' little heart was set on it, so David and I decided that we would make a quick replacement without Hayes knowing if need be. Well, need be......a day later, thank goodness at nap time and thank goodness that David  was able to make an emergency trip home and then hightail it off to Pet Smart. The Pet Smart lady told him that the water problems were all fixed and this one should be really healthy and, thankfully, Hayes never noticed. I officially named him Boo Boo Boo, but he is still just "Boo Boo" to Hayes.

The funny part is that I think God made this fish just for Hayes. I never knew that a fish could be funny, but he cracks us up. He is about half the size of the original Boo and he is a little firecracker. He swims around his tank with crazy energy and "dances" with Hayes when he gets in front of his tank. :)

Dealing with death is extremely difficult for us all, regardless if you are 3 or 93, and regardless if it is the death of a family member or something as small as a fish. The most we can ask for is comfort, peace and understanding. While trying to help Hayes understand Boo's death, I shared a poem with him that has always brought me great comfort when I have lost a beloved pet....


Just this side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge...

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they miss someone very special to them; who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to break away from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. YOU have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

THEN YOU CROSS RAINBOW BRIDGE TOGETHER..

As for us, we will always believe that there are also aquariums as far as the eye can see along the Rainbow Bridge.

Our new buddy, Boo Boo :)

  

My Poor Baby!

We found out yesterday that sweet Ella Bailey is going to have to get tubes in her ears next Friday. Since she was a few months old she has finished antibiotics for an ear infection and two or three days later been right back at the pediatrician. It is an awful cycle!

She finished another 10-day round of antibiotics Sunday and in Dr. Knox (her ENT)'s words yesterday, her ears are "rotten." He didn't even want to put her on another round, because he said it was completely pointless. So, looks like she will be getting tubes five days before her 1st birthday. Although, I am so ready for her to have relief from these nasty ear infections, I am also scared to death. You would think that since Hayes also had tubes, I would know the ropes now and wouldn't be as nervous....no such luck! Although I know they don't put them completely "under" for the procedure, anything that involves my babies and the word "anesthesia" still makes me nervous.

The worst part, though, is actually handing them over to the nurses when it is time for them to go back. Hayes rode back in a wagon and thought it was great fun, but I have a feeling that Ella Bailey won't be quiet so delighted. She is NOT a fan of strangers and is VERY clingy to me...about 100x more so than Hayes was. She also screams at the top of her lungs when she sees anyone that halfway resembles a medical professional.

Yesterday, at our appointment with the ENT (which she had never been to) the second she caught a glance at the nurse, she started screaming, and let me tell you that this girl has some lungs on her!! The nurse didn't even come close to touching her, but Ella Bailey was not happy. The funny (not for Ella Bailey) thing is that her pediatrician's office consists entirely of female doctors and nurses and I don't know if this is related, but Ella Bailey is just not a fan of females, in general. Hayes is opposite....he does not like men!! I mean even in Wal-mart, Ella Bailey will bat her eyelashes at every male that passes by, but if a woman so much as looks at her, she snarls up her nose. Yesterday was her first time seeing a male doctor, so I was curious to see how she reacted.

Dr. Knox is a little man with grey hair and he walked in (very loudly) with some type of large medical instrument attached to his head and Ella Bailey looked up and just died laughing. I have to admit, he did look pretty funny. But he was loud, bouncy and let her play with his tape recorder, so he won her heart instantly. I loved him too, which made me feel much better about her procedure, of course. I wasn't crazy about the doc's "bedside manner" that did Hayes' tubes and THAT makes a huge difference when they are taking your baby into an OR. I am SO glad that a sweet friend recommended Dr. Knox, though! Thanks Jennifer!

Anyway, next Friday is down on the books and hopefully my love bug will feel much better afterwards. Prayers in advance are very much appreciated!! :)

Renovation Complete!!

Yayyayyay!! The blog renovation is finally complete! A name and design change may not seem like such a huge deal to most, but this "new" blog is a breath of fresh air to me. It is the perfect outlet for me to express my feelings, frustrations, joys, etc. of my life as a Mommy in hopes that I will always remember the sweet (and not so sweet) little details. As I described in my January 14th post, I feel that the original purpose of this blog has changed, and with this "re-vamped" blog I now feel a sense of completeness and a new freedom in my writing.

Of course, as determined as I am to keep this blog updated, my main challenge is finding the time to write. I am still searching for the Holy Grail of Coordinated Nap Times and rarely get so lucky as to have both kids snoozing at the same time for more than 20 minutes. As for doing any "pleasure" writing at night after both babies are asleep....I love to write, but let's be honest....on the rare occasion that I am not passed out at 10 p.m., I am more in the mood to mindlessly stare at some pitiful reality show while stuffing Doritos in my mouth. However, due to the fact that writing is the best therapy for me (and Lord knows I need therapy) and that I am documenting my awesome life as a Mommy, I am determined to do whatever it takes to make time for constant updates.

So, the only problem now is that there is so much to catch up on! Ella Bailey will be ONE in less than three weeks (tear!!) I seriously cannot believe it. I mean, where in the world has the time with my itsy-bitsy baby girl gone?! Heck, where have the 3 years with my t-tiny baby boy gone?! Ok, after I get over being depressed, I need to make a collage of month-by-month pics to post of Ella Bailey. I also must devote at least one entire blog post a week to "Hayes-isms"....the kid cracks me up!!! Oh, before I forget.....we were riding in the car the other day and Hayes is going on and on (and on and on and on) about some story involving a dog, so I finally said, "Hayes, what are you talking about?" and he replies, "Oh, it was just something I saw on Facebook." Seriously?!? LOVE him.

Anyway, my point is that I have LOTS of updates, but for now I am close to the passing out point that I mentioned earlier. Actually it is 1 a.m., which means I should probably have a cup of coffee and call it a morning!! However, before I do (pass out), I want to explain the new blog title. The purpose of my blog is to document my everyday life as a Mommy of two, so I began thinking about what things were consistent in my daily life and, of the many, I chose....cuddles, chaos and caffeine. Yet, instead of being merely staples of my routine, all three of these are things that I am highly addicted to. The caffeine helps me survive the chaos, and the cuddles help to remind me that every single second of the chaos is ENTIRELY worth it.

Almost done!!

Ok, so the blog overhaul is almost complete!! Yayyy!! I feel so much better. :) First post on the "new" blog coming soon!

New Year, New Blog..

Well well well, I did remember my Blogger password, after all. It has been a while...a long while. It seems as though every time I blog I spend at least half my time making excuses of why I have gone so long between posts. Although I do stay busy with two kids, I am not the only person that has given birth twice, yet still makes the time to do things that are very important to them.

Lately, I have been feeling really guilty about neglecting the blog and have realized that the reason I feel incredibly guilty is because it IS very important to me. I know that you are probably thinking that I can't be too busy if I have spent all of this time worrying about a freakin' blog, but that's just the thing...it took me awhile to figure out why I feel so guilty about neglecting it, but more importantly, why I have had no desire to blog when I love it so much. I can't even begin to count the days and nights that I have sat down with the intention to blog and just have had absolutely no motivation to do it. For those of you that are familiar with my love for writing, you know this is NOT like me at all.

I started this blog for two reasons: 1) my passion for writing 2) to document Hayes and Ella Bailey's lives. As for the first one, some people run to relieve stress...I write. I do not feel whole if I have not spent a lot of my time writing and my blog began as an awesome way to accomplish this. After a lot of thought about why this has changed, I finally realized that it is because of my second reason for starting the blog...to document the kids' lives.

This rationalization may seem a little strange to some, but just bear with the "Deep Blog Thoughts By Kristin" and I will explain. I LOVE the idea of using a blog as a "baby book" with lots of pictures, journaling their growth complete with all the precious little things they do, etc. That was exactly what I wanted to do, yet my plan was to one day have it printed as a book and given to both of my children...a precious keepsake. So, as I began blogging I found that I was really "holding my tongue" about some things and deciding to only document those fabulously fun moments that I wanted the kids to always remember.

But, what about those other moments....you know the ones where the dog puked in the floor, the baby crawled in the puke and the Momma puked cleaning dog puke off her daughter. You know....the normal days. Of course, it is one thing to let my children read about the crazy funny moments, but it's another thing to let them read about my issues with post-partum depression. So, eventually even the "happy" posts stopped, because they were only telling part of the story of our crazy, beautiful life.

I started thinking that although I don't want my children to read about our lives uncensored and trials I have endured as a mom, I want other mothers to be able to read about them and I NEED to write about them because in each one there has been a great lesson that has shaped a piece of my soul and I NEVER want to forget the amazingly beautiful moments OR the ones filled with stress.

Finally, it all made sense to me and I knew that I needed to completely renovate the blog. I needed to frame it in a different way, with a different purpose and a fresh start. I needed to write from my heart and be true to my authentic self, whether I was having a great day or stressed to the max. I needed to share anything that might in some small way help someone else that may be struggling with the same issue. I needed to document my kids in all their happiness, silliness and mischievousness. I needed not a blog that could be given to my children as a keepsake, but one that I can hold many years down the road and remember everything...from the giggles to the tears.

Coming soon will be a new title, a new domain name, a new design and new motivation to use my love of writing to soak up every memory from a life I so love....being Hayes and Ella Bailey's Mommy.

Stay tuned and I will keep you all updated on the blog formerly known as "And Baby Makes Four"