Suffering with Gratitude

"Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an EQUAL amount of gratitude." ~ Simone Weil

Think about this quote. According to this definition, how many of us have reached the point to where we can honestly say that we have a pure love of God? I know that I certainly have not and I struggle with it daily. I cannot imagine how different my daily walk with God would be if I gave him the same amount of sincere thanks during the times when I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, as the times when all was well in my perfect little world and I literally felt all of God's blessings hitting me smack dab in the face. Yes, I know that we are imperfect sinners and it is human nature that our first reaction during times of suffering is certainly not to give thanks. However, how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives?

This topic has been heavy on my heart lately as I finished a book that touched me more than any other book has ever came close to doing. The book is "Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope" by Mary Beth Chapman, and if I ever win the lottery I plan to buy every person I know a copy of this extraordinary read. I will withold the desire to give you my full review, but let me just say that I read the entire book in a day and a half full of laughter and tears. If this exhausted momma stays up until almost three a.m. because she can't put it down, then you better know that it is oh so good!! By the way, thanks to my dear childhood friend and one of the most amazing Christian women I know, Meg DeCoudres, for recommending this book on her blog!

For those of you who do not know, Mary Beth Chapman is the wife of singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman, and this is a memoir of her life and the story of her struggle to understand the path God placed her on during the sudden and tragic loss of her five-year-old daughter. That description doesn't even begin to do the book justice. This book truly did change my perspective on many issues in my life. Let me tell you that I was reading it in bed where my husband was sleeping and I literally had to go in the other room, because I could not control my sobs (you know the ones where your eyes are swollen and you are left snubbing for hours.) I literally put the book down and sat over Hayes' bed watching him peacefully sleep, through my tear-filled eyes, for a good hour. Believe it or not, although I am a crazy hormonal lunatic right now, this truly had nothing to do with that. I just needed a good kick in the butt to remind me how truly sacred that little booger with the crazy hair that was lying in the next room is to me.

Man, how I am thanking God for that kick in the butt! I am t-totally obsessed with Hayes and my life revolves around his crooked smile, but from time to time every mother needs to be reminded of one thing....our awesome God gives and He taketh away. As hard as it is to fathom as a mother, our children are given to us on this Earth as the most incredible gift from God, and God can call them home in the blink of an eye. I needed this reminder because there have been so many times lately that Hayes has asked me to take him outside to jump on the trampoline and I thought I might die if I had to get out of the recliner, so I responded with, "Honey, we will do that later. Why don't you go play with your trucks right now." There have been times where Hayes was dying to play Ring Around the Rosie with me, but the thought of having to "fall down" then get back up with this massive belly made me physically nauseous, so I said, "Sweetie, go ask Daddy to play." Now I know that every time your kid asks you to play you shouldn't have to drop what your doing, but my point is this....During the last nine months, I have personally endured a lot of physical pain, and although I know that Hayes has not suffered at all because of that, I needed the reminder of how precious every single moment with that little boy is. Every smile, every "I love you Mommy", and every on-the-ground, legs-flailing temper tantrum is truly a gift from God, and I never want to look back and wish there would have been more pages colored together, more laundry left undone for a few hours due to the need for an urgent game of Elefun, or more times that I simply sat with Hayes in my lap winding his bouncy curls around my fingers.

In the book, Chapman brings up this point and it really has been weighing heavily on my heart. She speaks of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Can you imagine what Mary must have gone through being pregnant and knowing that the baby she was carrying would eventually pay the ultimate price...his life? How would you live each day differently if you knew for certain that your child's life would be cut short?

Being pregnant myself, I have been unable to get Mary out of my thoughts. Here is what Chapman said on the topic. "I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son's death. I know she saw Him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see Him again, but she was still His mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus' mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted, and give birth in a dirty stable. What about the rest of it? Mary mothering the son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see Him suffer and thus she too would suffer." Wow. Thinking about that has definately changed my perspective on some things, to say the least.

In writing this post, I did not intent for it to seem too heavy or sorrowful. Actually, I intended the opposite. Of course, we do not want to think about tragedy or suffering in our lives. It is inevitable, though. What may seem like a huge tragedy in my life may seem minor to you, and vise-versa. Yet, we all will experience it in some way. As Chapman said in the book, "If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ." I also love this quote from Larry Crabb..."Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."

What great news all of this is for Christians!!! Because no matter how large or how small our suffering, or how many personal tragedies we experience in a lifetime, we know for certain that a day will come soon, when every heartache will be relieved and every single tear will be wiped away. We are not even able to fathom the amount of joy we will feel when we are able to live eternity with our awesome Lord and Saviour!! Peter 5:10 (ESV) says, " After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you."

 I don't know about you, but that certainly makes me want to rejoice!! So, I will leave you with the question I asked in the opening paragraph...how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives? Personally, I will have to work continuously to give Him the thanks only He deserves during both good times and bad, and to completely hand Him my problems with complete trust in His plan. But who is more worthy of all of my work and effort than He? Thank you, God. Thank you.



BIG changes at the Gardner house

The great Maya Angelou once said, "Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman." The last few weeks have been filled with an array of emotions for me, and after much prayer, I have made a difficult decision for myself and my family by chosing to go down an entirely new path in life.

At 8 months pregnant and entirely out of the blue, I received a phone call about a possible job offer. This was not just any job offer, but basically my dream job that has been my ultimate professional goal and one that I have been working towards since graduating from Auburn. A true blessing. I seriously could not believe my ears and almost screamed out loud, but then of course my thoughts turned to "now I have to tell him that I am 8 months pregnant with a lot of complications and wouldn't be able to physically begin work until early May when Ella Bailey is six weeks old." With a huge knot in my throat, I told him these words, but in my disbelief, we scheduled an interview for the next day. After the interview, he offered me the job, with the understanding that I could work from home until Ella Bailey is six weeks, then hit the ground running. Oh. my. gosh. I seriously thought I was dreaming and would have probably hit my knees to pray in the parking lot if I hadn't thought someone would surely dial 911 at this point in my pregnancy. Neverless, there were lots of tears and prayers of gratitute to follow.

Ok, let me pause here and say something. I know that I am probably leaving you hanging by not telling you what I will be doing. However, because of the nature of the business I just don't want to reveal what I will be doing and who I will be working for until I actually start working for them outside of the house. That may sound strange to some (and I promise it is nothing illegal), but it is just a personal preference :)

With that being said, I will continue. Despite the fact that I cannot put into words how excited I am about this opportunity and the great things it will bring to me professionally, I have struggled and faced many emotions over the decision. I keep using the words "decision", but I knew along what I had to do and what would be best for my family. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every triumph or struggle is perfectly placed in our lives by God. I am one that tries to "think" everything out, but I try to always remember that when God places struggles (and we have had many in the past year) in our lives, we may never know the reasoning behind His placement and timing. However, when I received this job offer all of the stuggles from the past year played out sequentially in my mind and the timing of every one of them made perfect sense. It was truly a magnificient moment that literally brought me to my knees and all I could do was thank God.

I soon realized that all of the emotions that were holding me back from being 100% happy with my decision were selfish ones. It was obvious that taking this job was the best choice for my family and in my heart I knew this with complete certainty. However, I had to come to terms with the fact that in order to begin this new path in my life, I had to let go of another one....being a stay-at-home mom. As a mother, we naturally think of our children's best interests first, so I was hesitant about Hayes being away from me after years of us being together 24-7. However, we have a friend (more like family member now) who has babysat Hayes on and off for a while. Right now she is keeping four boys at her house and Hayes literally cries when we come to pick him up. I know that we will have to start looking into a pre-school for Hayes, but he is just so darn happy going to Jennifer's house every day and she agreed to keep him full-time. What a blessing she is! So, I began to wonder that if he loves going to her house so much and gets to play all day with little boys instead of being entertained by his mom all the time, then am I really worried about Hayes being away from me? Or me being away from Hayes?

Definately the second one. It breaks my heart that I will not see him every minute of the day, but I truly believe that I will better appreciate the minutes I do spend with him. It also breaks my heart that I will not have the years at home with Ella Bailey that I had with Hayes. However, thankfully, Jennifer agreed to keep her, as well! Hayes has already began to go to Jennifer's full-time, because I am devoting my days to working from home and I am now on bedrest (more pouting to come on that topic later.) But, Hayes' smile lights up the room every day when he gets home and all he does is talk about all the fun he had that day. I see a new light in his eyes and I thank God for this new path that I know is best for all of us, yet it is still very difficult for me to let go of the old one.

I loved staying home with Hayes and soaking up every moment with him, but I will admit that things had began to change over the last several months. Maya Angelou's quote speaks of a "situation that is not nurturing to the whole woman", and that is precisely what had began to happen to me. I simply did not feel whole. I am one of those (rare I believe) people who goes to college, gets a degree in something they are extremely passionate about and truly loves what they do. I have always felt that my two passions of writing and politics define a very large portion of who I am, and I began to desperately crave to re-gain that portion of myself. Yet, at the same time I felt guilty for not wholy embracing the "stay-at-home mommy and wife" portion of myself. That is when the praying and eventual clarity of the situation began. I thought that for my family the best thing I could do was stay-at-home with Hayes, yet I began to realize that this wasn't true any more. The best thing for our family and for Hayes is for his Mommy to be "whole." I had begun to get into a rut, live totally for my family and forget who I was as a person. I brushed my own wants and desires aside and began to solely live for the desires of two other people. I felt guilty for even wanting a different life for myself, and continually questioned whether it would be the best thing for Hayes and Ella Bailey.

After much prayers, I finally realized that in a heartbeat I would die for Hayes. So, why not get out there and live for him? I had made the decision that once Ella Bailey was born I would begin the job search, but I had not applied for any jobs yet. So, needless to say, words can in no way explain the incredible blessing the phone call was a few weeks ago. It was truly straight from God and I could not be any more thankful. Once again, I am amazed by God's grace, and even though I am still struggling with being away from Hayes, I know that each day I will come home to this smiling face and appreciate it all the more....

Vegas and Botox

So, here I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself (although for an entirely different reason than usual) and thought I would blog so others could feel sorry for me, too. :) Well, the day is finally here and in approximately 3 hours I will be the big 3-0. Seriously?

I know, I know...atleast I am alive and 30 is really not that old, blah, blah, freakin' blah. It sucks. Period. I have never had a problem with any other birthdays, but in all honesty the thought of turning 30 has truly bothered me for a while.

I will admit that I have always been a bit of a fanatic about skincare and trying all the latest creams and such to reverse the aging process, but I got it honestly. The woman who gave birth to me will not even go through the McDonalds drive-thru without make-up on. The other day I realized I was surely turning into my mother when I caught myself looking into the mirror, pulling all the skin back on my face to create a wrinkle-free (yet oriental) appearance. By the way, if you know my mother please do not tell her about this post because even though I am not happy about this birthday, I would still enjoy a present from her. Also, let me conclude this paragraph by saying that all the effort Mom has put into dodging the aging process has worked, because she is smokin' hot and I hope I am lucky enough to age as beautifully as she has!

So, I am about to say it and judge me all you want....all I wanted for my 30th birthday was one teensy-weensy shot of botox in the forehead. Yep, I said it. I have known for several years that the 30th birthday would depress me, so for years I have planned on two things for my 30th birthday...botox and going to Vegas. I have never been to Vegas, but I am quite certain that every ounce of sadness about turning 30 would be atleast temporarily erased by celebrating Vegas-style. So that was the plan!

Well, guess what WAS NOT in the plans....being 8 months pregnant on my 30th birthday. So, I will be celebrating my 30th birthday old and sober. Instead of living it up in Vegas adorned in a pink feather boa and a freshly-botoxed face, I will be waddling around like a drunken penguin staring at my feet that look shockingly similiar to two big baked potatoes right now. Feeling sorry for me yet?

I guess every cloud has a silver lining, and I did have a rockin' birthday eve party tonight complete with cupcakes, a Kindle and some way cool Spongebob decorations courtesy of this guy....

Besides, I guess those laugh lines and crow's feet can't be that bad if they are the product of days spent laughing until my belly hurts at that sweet face!!