At 8 months pregnant and entirely out of the blue, I received a phone call about a possible job offer. This was not just any job offer, but basically my dream job that has been my ultimate professional goal and one that I have been working towards since graduating from Auburn. A true blessing. I seriously could not believe my ears and almost screamed out loud, but then of course my thoughts turned to "now I have to tell him that I am 8 months pregnant with a lot of complications and wouldn't be able to physically begin work until early May when Ella Bailey is six weeks old." With a huge knot in my throat, I told him these words, but in my disbelief, we scheduled an interview for the next day. After the interview, he offered me the job, with the understanding that I could work from home until Ella Bailey is six weeks, then hit the ground running. Oh. my. gosh. I seriously thought I was dreaming and would have probably hit my knees to pray in the parking lot if I hadn't thought someone would surely dial 911 at this point in my pregnancy. Neverless, there were lots of tears and prayers of gratitute to follow.
Ok, let me pause here and say something. I know that I am probably leaving you hanging by not telling you what I will be doing. However, because of the nature of the business I just don't want to reveal what I will be doing and who I will be working for until I actually start working for them outside of the house. That may sound strange to some (and I promise it is nothing illegal), but it is just a personal preference :)
With that being said, I will continue. Despite the fact that I cannot put into words how excited I am about this opportunity and the great things it will bring to me professionally, I have struggled and faced many emotions over the decision. I keep using the words "decision", but I knew along what I had to do and what would be best for my family. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every triumph or struggle is perfectly placed in our lives by God. I am one that tries to "think" everything out, but I try to always remember that when God places struggles (and we have had many in the past year) in our lives, we may never know the reasoning behind His placement and timing. However, when I received this job offer all of the stuggles from the past year played out sequentially in my mind and the timing of every one of them made perfect sense. It was truly a magnificient moment that literally brought me to my knees and all I could do was thank God.
I soon realized that all of the emotions that were holding me back from being 100% happy with my decision were selfish ones. It was obvious that taking this job was the best choice for my family and in my heart I knew this with complete certainty. However, I had to come to terms with the fact that in order to begin this new path in my life, I had to let go of another one....being a stay-at-home mom. As a mother, we naturally think of our children's best interests first, so I was hesitant about Hayes being away from me after years of us being together 24-7. However, we have a friend (more like family member now) who has babysat Hayes on and off for a while. Right now she is keeping four boys at her house and Hayes literally cries when we come to pick him up. I know that we will have to start looking into a pre-school for Hayes, but he is just so darn happy going to Jennifer's house every day and she agreed to keep him full-time. What a blessing she is! So, I began to wonder that if he loves going to her house so much and gets to play all day with little boys instead of being entertained by his mom all the time, then am I really worried about Hayes being away from me? Or me being away from Hayes?
Definately the second one. It breaks my heart that I will not see him every minute of the day, but I truly believe that I will better appreciate the minutes I do spend with him. It also breaks my heart that I will not have the years at home with Ella Bailey that I had with Hayes. However, thankfully, Jennifer agreed to keep her, as well! Hayes has already began to go to Jennifer's full-time, because I am devoting my days to working from home and I am now on bedrest (more pouting to come on that topic later.) But, Hayes' smile lights up the room every day when he gets home and all he does is talk about all the fun he had that day. I see a new light in his eyes and I thank God for this new path that I know is best for all of us, yet it is still very difficult for me to let go of the old one.
I loved staying home with Hayes and soaking up every moment with him, but I will admit that things had began to change over the last several months. Maya Angelou's quote speaks of a "situation that is not nurturing to the whole woman", and that is precisely what had began to happen to me. I simply did not feel whole. I am one of those (rare I believe) people who goes to college, gets a degree in something they are extremely passionate about and truly loves what they do. I have always felt that my two passions of writing and politics define a very large portion of who I am, and I began to desperately crave to re-gain that portion of myself. Yet, at the same time I felt guilty for not wholy embracing the "stay-at-home mommy and wife" portion of myself. That is when the praying and eventual clarity of the situation began. I thought that for my family the best thing I could do was stay-at-home with Hayes, yet I began to realize that this wasn't true any more. The best thing for our family and for Hayes is for his Mommy to be "whole." I had begun to get into a rut, live totally for my family and forget who I was as a person. I brushed my own wants and desires aside and began to solely live for the desires of two other people. I felt guilty for even wanting a different life for myself, and continually questioned whether it would be the best thing for Hayes and Ella Bailey.
After much prayers, I finally realized that in a heartbeat I would die for Hayes. So, why not get out there and live for him? I had made the decision that once Ella Bailey was born I would begin the job search, but I had not applied for any jobs yet. So, needless to say, words can in no way explain the incredible blessing the phone call was a few weeks ago. It was truly straight from God and I could not be any more thankful. Once again, I am amazed by God's grace, and even though I am still struggling with being away from Hayes, I know that each day I will come home to this smiling face and appreciate it all the more....
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