Suffering with Gratitude

"Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an EQUAL amount of gratitude." ~ Simone Weil

Think about this quote. According to this definition, how many of us have reached the point to where we can honestly say that we have a pure love of God? I know that I certainly have not and I struggle with it daily. I cannot imagine how different my daily walk with God would be if I gave him the same amount of sincere thanks during the times when I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, as the times when all was well in my perfect little world and I literally felt all of God's blessings hitting me smack dab in the face. Yes, I know that we are imperfect sinners and it is human nature that our first reaction during times of suffering is certainly not to give thanks. However, how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives?

This topic has been heavy on my heart lately as I finished a book that touched me more than any other book has ever came close to doing. The book is "Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope" by Mary Beth Chapman, and if I ever win the lottery I plan to buy every person I know a copy of this extraordinary read. I will withold the desire to give you my full review, but let me just say that I read the entire book in a day and a half full of laughter and tears. If this exhausted momma stays up until almost three a.m. because she can't put it down, then you better know that it is oh so good!! By the way, thanks to my dear childhood friend and one of the most amazing Christian women I know, Meg DeCoudres, for recommending this book on her blog!

For those of you who do not know, Mary Beth Chapman is the wife of singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman, and this is a memoir of her life and the story of her struggle to understand the path God placed her on during the sudden and tragic loss of her five-year-old daughter. That description doesn't even begin to do the book justice. This book truly did change my perspective on many issues in my life. Let me tell you that I was reading it in bed where my husband was sleeping and I literally had to go in the other room, because I could not control my sobs (you know the ones where your eyes are swollen and you are left snubbing for hours.) I literally put the book down and sat over Hayes' bed watching him peacefully sleep, through my tear-filled eyes, for a good hour. Believe it or not, although I am a crazy hormonal lunatic right now, this truly had nothing to do with that. I just needed a good kick in the butt to remind me how truly sacred that little booger with the crazy hair that was lying in the next room is to me.

Man, how I am thanking God for that kick in the butt! I am t-totally obsessed with Hayes and my life revolves around his crooked smile, but from time to time every mother needs to be reminded of one thing....our awesome God gives and He taketh away. As hard as it is to fathom as a mother, our children are given to us on this Earth as the most incredible gift from God, and God can call them home in the blink of an eye. I needed this reminder because there have been so many times lately that Hayes has asked me to take him outside to jump on the trampoline and I thought I might die if I had to get out of the recliner, so I responded with, "Honey, we will do that later. Why don't you go play with your trucks right now." There have been times where Hayes was dying to play Ring Around the Rosie with me, but the thought of having to "fall down" then get back up with this massive belly made me physically nauseous, so I said, "Sweetie, go ask Daddy to play." Now I know that every time your kid asks you to play you shouldn't have to drop what your doing, but my point is this....During the last nine months, I have personally endured a lot of physical pain, and although I know that Hayes has not suffered at all because of that, I needed the reminder of how precious every single moment with that little boy is. Every smile, every "I love you Mommy", and every on-the-ground, legs-flailing temper tantrum is truly a gift from God, and I never want to look back and wish there would have been more pages colored together, more laundry left undone for a few hours due to the need for an urgent game of Elefun, or more times that I simply sat with Hayes in my lap winding his bouncy curls around my fingers.

In the book, Chapman brings up this point and it really has been weighing heavily on my heart. She speaks of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Can you imagine what Mary must have gone through being pregnant and knowing that the baby she was carrying would eventually pay the ultimate price...his life? How would you live each day differently if you knew for certain that your child's life would be cut short?

Being pregnant myself, I have been unable to get Mary out of my thoughts. Here is what Chapman said on the topic. "I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son's death. I know she saw Him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see Him again, but she was still His mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus' mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted, and give birth in a dirty stable. What about the rest of it? Mary mothering the son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see Him suffer and thus she too would suffer." Wow. Thinking about that has definately changed my perspective on some things, to say the least.

In writing this post, I did not intent for it to seem too heavy or sorrowful. Actually, I intended the opposite. Of course, we do not want to think about tragedy or suffering in our lives. It is inevitable, though. What may seem like a huge tragedy in my life may seem minor to you, and vise-versa. Yet, we all will experience it in some way. As Chapman said in the book, "If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ." I also love this quote from Larry Crabb..."Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."

What great news all of this is for Christians!!! Because no matter how large or how small our suffering, or how many personal tragedies we experience in a lifetime, we know for certain that a day will come soon, when every heartache will be relieved and every single tear will be wiped away. We are not even able to fathom the amount of joy we will feel when we are able to live eternity with our awesome Lord and Saviour!! Peter 5:10 (ESV) says, " After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you."

 I don't know about you, but that certainly makes me want to rejoice!! So, I will leave you with the question I asked in the opening paragraph...how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives? Personally, I will have to work continuously to give Him the thanks only He deserves during both good times and bad, and to completely hand Him my problems with complete trust in His plan. But who is more worthy of all of my work and effort than He? Thank you, God. Thank you.