Monday, May 9, 2011
Momma
If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. ~Robert Brault
How beautifully accurate is this quote? I believe that Mother's Day is on the same level with Thanksgiving, and I took some time yesterday to do just that....give thanks. Mother's Day is the perfect opportunity for me to count my blessings, because there is certainly no greater gift than being a mother and having a mother that is a constant inspiration in my life.
I love the above quote for the reason that I never understood how much praying my mother did on my behalf until I had my little ones. I constantly pray for my children's safety, health and happiness. I pray for myself and my husband, asking God to guide us in this incredible journey of parenthood and help us to raise children that will be strong Christians with steadfast morals. There are many days that I pray for my sanity, I pray for patience and I pray that God will help me to focus on the fact that the piles of toys covering our floor means that we have a healthy child who is able to strow them all over the house.
I pray for my mother, and constantly pray that I will be atleast half the mother and woman she is. I pray prayers of thanks that I have a mother who is present while I am raising children of my own, not only to give me words of encouragement and advice, but to also give my children the love that she has always given me.
I remember my mother telling me that since the day I received my driver's license, she has said a prayer every time she hears a siren. I thought it was so silly at the time, but now I catch myself doing the same every time my children aren't within my sight. It seems that these days, those sort of things are happening a lot. I am slowly realizing that I am becoming my mother. There are times that I open my mouth and before I finish the sentence think "Holy crap, could I sound more like momma?!" It is terrifying and beautiful all at the same time.
It has taken me thirty years and two kids to realize it, but I am perfectly content with evolving into the women that only 10 years ago I thought was off her rocker. I now look back at my teenage years and see the things that she made me do that I thought at the time had certainly ruined my life, and realize that they actually made my life become what it is today. It amazes me to think how my mother gave up so much to give me so much. She is without a doubt the most selfless woman I know.
I know that I am still evolving in this way, because yesterday I told my husband that it was "my day" and that I planned to sleep all day, do what I wanted to do, etc. Yet, do you know what my mother was doing yesterday on "her day"? She was doing the same thing that she has done tirelessly since April 27...devote all her time to working to restore power to the many families on Sand Mountain that were affected by the devastating tornado. When I asked her on Friday how many hours she had put in in the week and 2 days since the tornado, her answer was "over 150." Over 150 hours in one week and 2 days. No complaints, no "I am exhausted", just happiness over the fact that she is able to work, while many people on Sand Mountain feel they have nothing left to work for. That, my friend, is the kind of selflessness that I strive to have one day.
One thing that I think best describes the kind of woman my mother is, is this....My parents got divorced when I was fourteen. In what had to be the most difficult moment in my mother's life, she made a promise to me. She promised me that she would not go on one date until I went off to college and was out of the house. She felt that this was what was best for me, and it did not matter what might be best for her. She wanted to devote everything within her to raising me during the awkward and crazy teenage years, and she did just that. She devoted everything within her to me. How blessed am I?!
So, this Mother's Day I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would never stop praying...praying for my children, praying for the mother's who lost their children or their own mothers in the tragic events of April 27, praying prayers of thanks for the gift of being a mother, praying for my mother and praying for my own selflessness as a mother.
For the reason that I can pick up a phone and hear my mother's voice on the other end, and for the reason that I can hold two precious angels in my arms each night, I am forever grateful.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Remember me?
Well, the good news is that I am still alive. The bad news is that it has been a couple months (or more) since I have blogged and I should probably be shot for going that long without an update. Let's see...what has happened in my life since my last post....hmmmm. Oh yeah, I birthed a child!!
I can't believe that Ella Bailey is already five weeks old and I have not posted the birth story or pictures. Needless to say, things have been crazy around here. I started back working from home the week after Ella Bailey was born and I work non-stop (except to feed and change diapers) all day long. Then throwing a newborn, a 2 1/2 year old and sleep deprivation in the mix has made my life pretty hectic. I am not complaining though, because I truly could not be happier. I feel so blessed to have a career doing something I am so passionate about AND raising two kiddos that bring me more joy than I could ever put into words. I amazed at the the sense of completeness that I now have in my life.
With that said, let's move on to all the sweet details about the entrance of this new bundle of love in our world, her sweet demeanor and how big brother (and mama) are coping . So much has happened since I have blogged, so this post will likely be lengthy (ok REALLY lengthy). Considering that at this point in my life I can barely remember what I ate for lunch today, I don't want to one day look back and not remember the details of the glorious day Ella Bailey entered the world and all the joy (and chaos) in between. With my jumbled and sleep-deprived brain, I am just going to start writing and hope that atleast some of it makes sense. I promise I will do better about blogging and not have to do novel-length, catch-up posts. :)
I was 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant on Sunday, March 6....
All day I had been having really bad pain and vomiting from the kidney stones, but that was pretty typical. I worked on the computer until around midnight and decided to try to get some sleep. However, when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding and could tell it wasn't from the stones. I called the doctor on call and he said it was probably just my cervix bleeding which could be caused from the vomiting, but told me to go to Labor&Delivery to get checked out. At that moment, panic set in. My mother-in-law is the only person that Hayes has ever spent the night with and she was in Birmingham with David's stepdad, who was having heart surgery the next morning. I actually considered not going to the hospital until the next morning, but something told me I should go. Sobbing uncontrollably, I called Jennifer, who keeps Hayes during the day. I felt so bad waking her entire family up at 1 a.m., but we didn't know what else to do. Although Hayes loves Jennifer to death, I was really worried about him getting scared being dropped off at her house in the middle of the night. Then it also hit me that I did not have any hospital bags packed. Although it really didn't cross my mind that I wouldn't be coming home again as a mommy of one, I still decided to be on the safe side and run around the house like a mad woman throwing things in bags.
When we got to our L&D room they hooked me up to the monitors, finally got an iv (after 6 tries) and started to give me meds for the kidney stones and nausea. Fortunately, I was having no contractions at all, the bleeding had stopped, the baby's heartbeat looked great, so it was assumed that it was just another episode with my kidneys. However, they decided to keep me until the doc came in that morning, and the nurse came in a couple hours saying that she was just going to check me for the heck of it. I was only 36 weeks and it never crossed any of our minds' that I would be dilated at all.
Well, the nurse checked me and looked up with a big grin on her face and said, "You are 3 1/2 centimeters." Ummm....excuse me....what? Not possible, because I am not prepared! She told me not to freak out and that I could stay at that point for weeks. Still, I was a little shocked, because I didn't dilate at all with Hayes before I was induced, and I sure didn't expect to be 3 1/2 cm at 36 weeks. So even though I was not in active labor, I still began to panic and get really nervous about Ella Bailey being born early and possibly having problems. The doctor on call came in around 6 a.m. and said basically the same thing the nurse said, and told us that they would watch me for a few hours because of the kidney stone pain.
So, anyone that has ever had more than 3 conversations with me has probably heard me talk about how much I love my OB, Dr. Garrard. I mean, seriously...I LOVE this man. I really don't know how I would have gotten through all of the medical problems I had while pregnant without him. If my big toe hurts, I call Dr. Garrard. Ok, you get the picture...I love Dr. Garrard. period. He always makes his rounds between 6 and 7 a.m. So, after the doc on call came and talked to me, I asked the nurse if Dr. Garrard would still come by, and she said that she was sure he would.
So there I am just chillin' and waiting on Dr. Garrard to tell me what he thought and then release me, and goodness gracious if I didn't start having contractions!! Panic set in and I started to really worry about delivering her so early and also realizing it was time for Dr. Garrard to be back at his office, and I still had not seen him. I called the nurse in and she still assured me that I was not in active labor b/c my contractions were very irregular. Meanwhile, I have my poor husband staked out by the window on watch for Dr. Garrard to pull in. (Yes, we know what he drives). I was getting really nervous and made the nurse go and see what she could find out about him.
Then, she hit me with the news...Dr. Garrard was out of town, and although he was on his way back in town, he wouldn't be coming back to the office. WHAT??? He had been there for me through so much and I did not want anyone else doing my c-section, so I just prayed that I wouldn't go into active labor. This may seem silly to some, but I just really trust him and he has a way that no other doctor has to completely calm my nerves and make me comfortable. This was even more important to me since I was possibly delivering a baby a month early and already on edge. So, my hope was that for my sake and the baby's that I would not go into active labor.
Then the contractions came and came. The nurses kept saying that they were not regular and that I wasn't in active labor. Between the pain from contractions and the pain from the kidney stones, it took everything I had not to slap the crap out of her every time she said it wasn't "active" labor. It felt pretty damn active to me! Eventually, I got David to start timing the contractions and they were four minutes apart!! I called the nurse and asked her to check me, and I was 6 cm and 100% effaced! Since I was a repeat c-section, we could tell that she panicked a little bit, then she left saying that she was going to page the doctor on call. About five minutes later, a lady came in and was asking me lots of question about reactions to anethesia, etc. I asked her who she was and she told me that she was my anesthesiologist. Then came the "What do I need an anesthesiologist for" to which she replied, "Because you are having a c-section in about five minutes." I think that I was too shocked to even cry and all I did was pray continuously that Ella Bailey would be ok. Everything happened so fast that none of our family even made it to the hospital in time. In fact, I was out of recovery by the time anyone arrived.
Anyway, I get to the operating room and as they were putting my spinal in I was talking to the nurses about how upset I was that Dr. Garrard wasn't there. So right after they put the sheet up so I couldn't see, I heard one of the nurses say hello to Dr. Newman, who was doing the c-section. The nurse told me that they would start in about five minutes, then she looked up and said, "Oh my gosh!!!" At that moment, Dr. Garrard popped his head over the curtain and said, "You know I wouldn't miss this!" I about had a heart attack and the nurses started clapping. He had gotten in town, called the office to check his messages and heard I was in labor and about to have the c-section. Instead of going home he came to the hospital to deliver Ella Bailey. My knight in shining armor!! :) How awesome is that?!? I was beyond happy and at that moment I completely relaxed. Next thing I knew, I heard the sweetest little cry ever and soon after I saw this...
There are simply no words to describe the moment you see your child for the first time. Pure joy!! Ella Bailey was 6 lb 11 oz and 18 in of pure perfection. I started to get a little nervous, though, because it seemed like hours before David came back to talk to me, and I could tell that they were working on her. When he finally came back over, he told me that she was having some problems breathing. However, everyone assured me that she would be ok, but just needed some oxygen for a little while. There is no worse feeling than thinking something could be wrong with your baby. So I prayed and prayed and prayed..
And Praise God...she never had to go to ICU and after a couple hours on oxygen, she was able to come to our room, and I got to hold my little angel for the first time! It only took about .5 seconds to know that I never wanted to let go of her! Soon after that, the man of the hour, Big Brother Hayes, arrived. Another moment I will never forget is the first time he laid eyes on his little sister...
*Disclaimer* Please excuse my appearance in the above picture. It was a rough day. Anyway, back to EB's totally cool big bro. Each day I am more amazed and in awe of Hayes' love for his little sister. Of course, there have been ups and downs, but it makes me so happy to see them together. I could just go on and on, and that is why I am going to devote an entire post to them soon. However, I do want to share a few more pics of them in the hospital. I am not exactly sure why, but each time Hayes would hold her he would put his face up against hers and just freeze. I don't know what was going through that little noggin of his, but it was incredibly sweet! The first pic is of him opening his way-cool gift that Ella Bailey gave him in the hospital, which was the point at which Hayes decided that we could keep her. :)
I can't believe that Ella Bailey is already five weeks old and I have not posted the birth story or pictures. Needless to say, things have been crazy around here. I started back working from home the week after Ella Bailey was born and I work non-stop (except to feed and change diapers) all day long. Then throwing a newborn, a 2 1/2 year old and sleep deprivation in the mix has made my life pretty hectic. I am not complaining though, because I truly could not be happier. I feel so blessed to have a career doing something I am so passionate about AND raising two kiddos that bring me more joy than I could ever put into words. I amazed at the the sense of completeness that I now have in my life.
With that said, let's move on to all the sweet details about the entrance of this new bundle of love in our world, her sweet demeanor and how big brother (and mama) are coping . So much has happened since I have blogged, so this post will likely be lengthy (ok REALLY lengthy). Considering that at this point in my life I can barely remember what I ate for lunch today, I don't want to one day look back and not remember the details of the glorious day Ella Bailey entered the world and all the joy (and chaos) in between. With my jumbled and sleep-deprived brain, I am just going to start writing and hope that atleast some of it makes sense. I promise I will do better about blogging and not have to do novel-length, catch-up posts. :)
I was 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant on Sunday, March 6....
When we got to our L&D room they hooked me up to the monitors, finally got an iv (after 6 tries) and started to give me meds for the kidney stones and nausea. Fortunately, I was having no contractions at all, the bleeding had stopped, the baby's heartbeat looked great, so it was assumed that it was just another episode with my kidneys. However, they decided to keep me until the doc came in that morning, and the nurse came in a couple hours saying that she was just going to check me for the heck of it. I was only 36 weeks and it never crossed any of our minds' that I would be dilated at all.
Well, the nurse checked me and looked up with a big grin on her face and said, "You are 3 1/2 centimeters." Ummm....excuse me....what? Not possible, because I am not prepared! She told me not to freak out and that I could stay at that point for weeks. Still, I was a little shocked, because I didn't dilate at all with Hayes before I was induced, and I sure didn't expect to be 3 1/2 cm at 36 weeks. So even though I was not in active labor, I still began to panic and get really nervous about Ella Bailey being born early and possibly having problems. The doctor on call came in around 6 a.m. and said basically the same thing the nurse said, and told us that they would watch me for a few hours because of the kidney stone pain.
So, anyone that has ever had more than 3 conversations with me has probably heard me talk about how much I love my OB, Dr. Garrard. I mean, seriously...I LOVE this man. I really don't know how I would have gotten through all of the medical problems I had while pregnant without him. If my big toe hurts, I call Dr. Garrard. Ok, you get the picture...I love Dr. Garrard. period. He always makes his rounds between 6 and 7 a.m. So, after the doc on call came and talked to me, I asked the nurse if Dr. Garrard would still come by, and she said that she was sure he would.
So there I am just chillin' and waiting on Dr. Garrard to tell me what he thought and then release me, and goodness gracious if I didn't start having contractions!! Panic set in and I started to really worry about delivering her so early and also realizing it was time for Dr. Garrard to be back at his office, and I still had not seen him. I called the nurse in and she still assured me that I was not in active labor b/c my contractions were very irregular. Meanwhile, I have my poor husband staked out by the window on watch for Dr. Garrard to pull in. (Yes, we know what he drives). I was getting really nervous and made the nurse go and see what she could find out about him.
Then, she hit me with the news...Dr. Garrard was out of town, and although he was on his way back in town, he wouldn't be coming back to the office. WHAT??? He had been there for me through so much and I did not want anyone else doing my c-section, so I just prayed that I wouldn't go into active labor. This may seem silly to some, but I just really trust him and he has a way that no other doctor has to completely calm my nerves and make me comfortable. This was even more important to me since I was possibly delivering a baby a month early and already on edge. So, my hope was that for my sake and the baby's that I would not go into active labor.
Then the contractions came and came. The nurses kept saying that they were not regular and that I wasn't in active labor. Between the pain from contractions and the pain from the kidney stones, it took everything I had not to slap the crap out of her every time she said it wasn't "active" labor. It felt pretty damn active to me! Eventually, I got David to start timing the contractions and they were four minutes apart!! I called the nurse and asked her to check me, and I was 6 cm and 100% effaced! Since I was a repeat c-section, we could tell that she panicked a little bit, then she left saying that she was going to page the doctor on call. About five minutes later, a lady came in and was asking me lots of question about reactions to anethesia, etc. I asked her who she was and she told me that she was my anesthesiologist. Then came the "What do I need an anesthesiologist for" to which she replied, "Because you are having a c-section in about five minutes." I think that I was too shocked to even cry and all I did was pray continuously that Ella Bailey would be ok. Everything happened so fast that none of our family even made it to the hospital in time. In fact, I was out of recovery by the time anyone arrived.
Anyway, I get to the operating room and as they were putting my spinal in I was talking to the nurses about how upset I was that Dr. Garrard wasn't there. So right after they put the sheet up so I couldn't see, I heard one of the nurses say hello to Dr. Newman, who was doing the c-section. The nurse told me that they would start in about five minutes, then she looked up and said, "Oh my gosh!!!" At that moment, Dr. Garrard popped his head over the curtain and said, "You know I wouldn't miss this!" I about had a heart attack and the nurses started clapping. He had gotten in town, called the office to check his messages and heard I was in labor and about to have the c-section. Instead of going home he came to the hospital to deliver Ella Bailey. My knight in shining armor!! :) How awesome is that?!? I was beyond happy and at that moment I completely relaxed. Next thing I knew, I heard the sweetest little cry ever and soon after I saw this...
By the way, Hayes is not the only guy in the family that Ella Bailey already has wrapped around her little finger. Daddy and Paw Paw Bailey are pretty smitten, as well. Just look at the look on Paw Paw's face!!
Now, let me pause for a second to say that I LOVE PINK!!! It is no secret that I am very much of a girlie girl, and I have dreamed of having a little girl my entire life. I also have been obsessed with the color pink my entire life. In fact, the day I was born my daddy gave me the nickname "Pinky" and that is what he has called me my entire life (which may just have to be passed on to EB.) Of course, my obsession intensified when I went to Auburn and became a Phi Mu. Pink everywhere and I was in heaven!! So, nobody was suprised when they walked into my hospital room and it looked like a flamingo had thrown up. LOVE it...
After all those years dreaming about having a little girl adorned in pink, it was finally time to take that little angel home where we could play dress-up ALL DAY LONG!! Woohooo!
And Hayes woke up from a nap just in time to welcome his little sister home...
Ella Bailey is just sweetest thing and is the absolute best baby. She is so incredibly laid-back and only cries when she is hungry or getting her clothes changed. She is five weeks now and for the past week, she has been sleeping atleast 7 hours at night without waking. Woop woop!! Poor Hayes had colic, slept about an hour at a time and cried constantly. So, I am definately not used to this. I think God decided to give me a break after everything I went through with the pregnancy ;).
Although we can already tell that Ella Bailey and Hayes have very different personalities, they absolutely could not look any more alike. When they handed me Ella Bailey for the first time my mouth literally dropped open. It blew my mind how much she looked like Hayes when he was born, and I mean identical! The first few days I didn't even feel like I had a new baby, but it was like I was just holding Hayes again. Total deja vu! Mom kept telling me that she looked just like me when I was born, but I didn't realize how much until I compared pictures of myself, Hayes and Ella Bailey at four weeks. I think my babies definately look a bit like me!!
Me
Hayes
Ella Bailey
To sum it up, I absolutely could not be happier. I feel like I have the perfect family and am so in love with each of them. It had never crossed my mind before Ella Bailey was born that our family was missing something. Yet, I have never experienced a sense of completeness and total contentment like I have now. Everything just seems to fit into place and although Ella Bailey has only been with us for five weeks, I cannot remember what life was like without her. I always wondered how I could love another being with the intensity that I love Hayes, but it is possible and all of the emotions I feel have simply doubled...unconditional love, a passion for life, an appreciation of the small things, etc. There is literally nothing in this crazy world that makes me happier than seeing Hayes kiss Ella Bailey's forehead, talk baby talk to her or "teach" her how to play patty cake, and the beauty in that is that I know the best days are ahead. I feel so blessed to have these healthy and precious gifts from God, and I am constantly in admiration of His plan.
When I found out that I was pregnant in June, I cried for a week straight. We were dealing with a lot of issues at the time and I thought the timing of the pregnancy could not have been any worse. We were not planning (actually preventing!) on having another child for years. I had decided to go back to work in March working for the Johnson for Governor campaign and was loving every second of it. I had come to the realization that I was happiest working and was on cloud nine, but the job ended in June when Bill did not win the primary. I was so determined to find a job in my field, which I love, and was beyond excited about diving into my career again. Yet, in July I found out I was pregnant and those dreams had to be put on hold. I was upset and although I know that every child is a gift, I couldn't help but continually ask, "Why me, God? Why now?"
Well, I got that answer on March 7 and she was the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on. Those jobs I "missed out on" because I was pregnant paved the way for me to be offered my dream job a couple months ago. His plan gave me that perfect little girl that I had always dreamed of having, added to a perfect little boy that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts on a daily basic, added to a husband that is my soul mate. That, my friend, is a better plan that I could have ever imagined. Thank you God for your beautiful plan and ever perfect timing!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Suffering with Gratitude
"Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an EQUAL amount of gratitude." ~ Simone Weil
Think about this quote. According to this definition, how many of us have reached the point to where we can honestly say that we have a pure love of God? I know that I certainly have not and I struggle with it daily. I cannot imagine how different my daily walk with God would be if I gave him the same amount of sincere thanks during the times when I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, as the times when all was well in my perfect little world and I literally felt all of God's blessings hitting me smack dab in the face. Yes, I know that we are imperfect sinners and it is human nature that our first reaction during times of suffering is certainly not to give thanks. However, how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives?
This topic has been heavy on my heart lately as I finished a book that touched me more than any other book has ever came close to doing. The book is "Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope" by Mary Beth Chapman, and if I ever win the lottery I plan to buy every person I know a copy of this extraordinary read. I will withold the desire to give you my full review, but let me just say that I read the entire book in a day and a half full of laughter and tears. If this exhausted momma stays up until almost three a.m. because she can't put it down, then you better know that it is oh so good!! By the way, thanks to my dear childhood friend and one of the most amazing Christian women I know, Meg DeCoudres, for recommending this book on her blog!
For those of you who do not know, Mary Beth Chapman is the wife of singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman, and this is a memoir of her life and the story of her struggle to understand the path God placed her on during the sudden and tragic loss of her five-year-old daughter. That description doesn't even begin to do the book justice. This book truly did change my perspective on many issues in my life. Let me tell you that I was reading it in bed where my husband was sleeping and I literally had to go in the other room, because I could not control my sobs (you know the ones where your eyes are swollen and you are left snubbing for hours.) I literally put the book down and sat over Hayes' bed watching him peacefully sleep, through my tear-filled eyes, for a good hour. Believe it or not, although I am a crazy hormonal lunatic right now, this truly had nothing to do with that. I just needed a good kick in the butt to remind me how truly sacred that little booger with the crazy hair that was lying in the next room is to me.
Man, how I am thanking God for that kick in the butt! I am t-totally obsessed with Hayes and my life revolves around his crooked smile, but from time to time every mother needs to be reminded of one thing....our awesome God gives and He taketh away. As hard as it is to fathom as a mother, our children are given to us on this Earth as the most incredible gift from God, and God can call them home in the blink of an eye. I needed this reminder because there have been so many times lately that Hayes has asked me to take him outside to jump on the trampoline and I thought I might die if I had to get out of the recliner, so I responded with, "Honey, we will do that later. Why don't you go play with your trucks right now." There have been times where Hayes was dying to play Ring Around the Rosie with me, but the thought of having to "fall down" then get back up with this massive belly made me physically nauseous, so I said, "Sweetie, go ask Daddy to play." Now I know that every time your kid asks you to play you shouldn't have to drop what your doing, but my point is this....During the last nine months, I have personally endured a lot of physical pain, and although I know that Hayes has not suffered at all because of that, I needed the reminder of how precious every single moment with that little boy is. Every smile, every "I love you Mommy", and every on-the-ground, legs-flailing temper tantrum is truly a gift from God, and I never want to look back and wish there would have been more pages colored together, more laundry left undone for a few hours due to the need for an urgent game of Elefun, or more times that I simply sat with Hayes in my lap winding his bouncy curls around my fingers.
In the book, Chapman brings up this point and it really has been weighing heavily on my heart. She speaks of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Can you imagine what Mary must have gone through being pregnant and knowing that the baby she was carrying would eventually pay the ultimate price...his life? How would you live each day differently if you knew for certain that your child's life would be cut short?
Being pregnant myself, I have been unable to get Mary out of my thoughts. Here is what Chapman said on the topic. "I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son's death. I know she saw Him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see Him again, but she was still His mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus' mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted, and give birth in a dirty stable. What about the rest of it? Mary mothering the son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see Him suffer and thus she too would suffer." Wow. Thinking about that has definately changed my perspective on some things, to say the least.
In writing this post, I did not intent for it to seem too heavy or sorrowful. Actually, I intended the opposite. Of course, we do not want to think about tragedy or suffering in our lives. It is inevitable, though. What may seem like a huge tragedy in my life may seem minor to you, and vise-versa. Yet, we all will experience it in some way. As Chapman said in the book, "If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ." I also love this quote from Larry Crabb..."Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."
What great news all of this is for Christians!!! Because no matter how large or how small our suffering, or how many personal tragedies we experience in a lifetime, we know for certain that a day will come soon, when every heartache will be relieved and every single tear will be wiped away. We are not even able to fathom the amount of joy we will feel when we are able to live eternity with our awesome Lord and Saviour!! Peter 5:10 (ESV) says, " After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
I don't know about you, but that certainly makes me want to rejoice!! So, I will leave you with the question I asked in the opening paragraph...how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives? Personally, I will have to work continuously to give Him the thanks only He deserves during both good times and bad, and to completely hand Him my problems with complete trust in His plan. But who is more worthy of all of my work and effort than He? Thank you, God. Thank you.
In the book, Chapman brings up this point and it really has been weighing heavily on my heart. She speaks of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Can you imagine what Mary must have gone through being pregnant and knowing that the baby she was carrying would eventually pay the ultimate price...his life? How would you live each day differently if you knew for certain that your child's life would be cut short?
Being pregnant myself, I have been unable to get Mary out of my thoughts. Here is what Chapman said on the topic. "I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son's death. I know she saw Him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see Him again, but she was still His mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus' mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted, and give birth in a dirty stable. What about the rest of it? Mary mothering the son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see Him suffer and thus she too would suffer." Wow. Thinking about that has definately changed my perspective on some things, to say the least.
In writing this post, I did not intent for it to seem too heavy or sorrowful. Actually, I intended the opposite. Of course, we do not want to think about tragedy or suffering in our lives. It is inevitable, though. What may seem like a huge tragedy in my life may seem minor to you, and vise-versa. Yet, we all will experience it in some way. As Chapman said in the book, "If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ." I also love this quote from Larry Crabb..."Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."
What great news all of this is for Christians!!! Because no matter how large or how small our suffering, or how many personal tragedies we experience in a lifetime, we know for certain that a day will come soon, when every heartache will be relieved and every single tear will be wiped away. We are not even able to fathom the amount of joy we will feel when we are able to live eternity with our awesome Lord and Saviour!! Peter 5:10 (ESV) says, " After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
I don't know about you, but that certainly makes me want to rejoice!! So, I will leave you with the question I asked in the opening paragraph...how do we reach the point that during those trials in our lives and times of great suffering, that we get off our backs crying in bed and get onto our knees to thank God and put complete trust in His plan and His will for our lives? Personally, I will have to work continuously to give Him the thanks only He deserves during both good times and bad, and to completely hand Him my problems with complete trust in His plan. But who is more worthy of all of my work and effort than He? Thank you, God. Thank you.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
BIG changes at the Gardner house
The great Maya Angelou once said, "Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman." The last few weeks have been filled with an array of emotions for me, and after much prayer, I have made a difficult decision for myself and my family by chosing to go down an entirely new path in life.
At 8 months pregnant and entirely out of the blue, I received a phone call about a possible job offer. This was not just any job offer, but basically my dream job that has been my ultimate professional goal and one that I have been working towards since graduating from Auburn. A true blessing. I seriously could not believe my ears and almost screamed out loud, but then of course my thoughts turned to "now I have to tell him that I am 8 months pregnant with a lot of complications and wouldn't be able to physically begin work until early May when Ella Bailey is six weeks old." With a huge knot in my throat, I told him these words, but in my disbelief, we scheduled an interview for the next day. After the interview, he offered me the job, with the understanding that I could work from home until Ella Bailey is six weeks, then hit the ground running. Oh. my. gosh. I seriously thought I was dreaming and would have probably hit my knees to pray in the parking lot if I hadn't thought someone would surely dial 911 at this point in my pregnancy. Neverless, there were lots of tears and prayers of gratitute to follow.
Ok, let me pause here and say something. I know that I am probably leaving you hanging by not telling you what I will be doing. However, because of the nature of the business I just don't want to reveal what I will be doing and who I will be working for until I actually start working for them outside of the house. That may sound strange to some (and I promise it is nothing illegal), but it is just a personal preference :)
With that being said, I will continue. Despite the fact that I cannot put into words how excited I am about this opportunity and the great things it will bring to me professionally, I have struggled and faced many emotions over the decision. I keep using the words "decision", but I knew along what I had to do and what would be best for my family. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every triumph or struggle is perfectly placed in our lives by God. I am one that tries to "think" everything out, but I try to always remember that when God places struggles (and we have had many in the past year) in our lives, we may never know the reasoning behind His placement and timing. However, when I received this job offer all of the stuggles from the past year played out sequentially in my mind and the timing of every one of them made perfect sense. It was truly a magnificient moment that literally brought me to my knees and all I could do was thank God.
I soon realized that all of the emotions that were holding me back from being 100% happy with my decision were selfish ones. It was obvious that taking this job was the best choice for my family and in my heart I knew this with complete certainty. However, I had to come to terms with the fact that in order to begin this new path in my life, I had to let go of another one....being a stay-at-home mom. As a mother, we naturally think of our children's best interests first, so I was hesitant about Hayes being away from me after years of us being together 24-7. However, we have a friend (more like family member now) who has babysat Hayes on and off for a while. Right now she is keeping four boys at her house and Hayes literally cries when we come to pick him up. I know that we will have to start looking into a pre-school for Hayes, but he is just so darn happy going to Jennifer's house every day and she agreed to keep him full-time. What a blessing she is! So, I began to wonder that if he loves going to her house so much and gets to play all day with little boys instead of being entertained by his mom all the time, then am I really worried about Hayes being away from me? Or me being away from Hayes?
Definately the second one. It breaks my heart that I will not see him every minute of the day, but I truly believe that I will better appreciate the minutes I do spend with him. It also breaks my heart that I will not have the years at home with Ella Bailey that I had with Hayes. However, thankfully, Jennifer agreed to keep her, as well! Hayes has already began to go to Jennifer's full-time, because I am devoting my days to working from home and I am now on bedrest (more pouting to come on that topic later.) But, Hayes' smile lights up the room every day when he gets home and all he does is talk about all the fun he had that day. I see a new light in his eyes and I thank God for this new path that I know is best for all of us, yet it is still very difficult for me to let go of the old one.
I loved staying home with Hayes and soaking up every moment with him, but I will admit that things had began to change over the last several months. Maya Angelou's quote speaks of a "situation that is not nurturing to the whole woman", and that is precisely what had began to happen to me. I simply did not feel whole. I am one of those (rare I believe) people who goes to college, gets a degree in something they are extremely passionate about and truly loves what they do. I have always felt that my two passions of writing and politics define a very large portion of who I am, and I began to desperately crave to re-gain that portion of myself. Yet, at the same time I felt guilty for not wholy embracing the "stay-at-home mommy and wife" portion of myself. That is when the praying and eventual clarity of the situation began. I thought that for my family the best thing I could do was stay-at-home with Hayes, yet I began to realize that this wasn't true any more. The best thing for our family and for Hayes is for his Mommy to be "whole." I had begun to get into a rut, live totally for my family and forget who I was as a person. I brushed my own wants and desires aside and began to solely live for the desires of two other people. I felt guilty for even wanting a different life for myself, and continually questioned whether it would be the best thing for Hayes and Ella Bailey.
After much prayers, I finally realized that in a heartbeat I would die for Hayes. So, why not get out there and live for him? I had made the decision that once Ella Bailey was born I would begin the job search, but I had not applied for any jobs yet. So, needless to say, words can in no way explain the incredible blessing the phone call was a few weeks ago. It was truly straight from God and I could not be any more thankful. Once again, I am amazed by God's grace, and even though I am still struggling with being away from Hayes, I know that each day I will come home to this smiling face and appreciate it all the more....
At 8 months pregnant and entirely out of the blue, I received a phone call about a possible job offer. This was not just any job offer, but basically my dream job that has been my ultimate professional goal and one that I have been working towards since graduating from Auburn. A true blessing. I seriously could not believe my ears and almost screamed out loud, but then of course my thoughts turned to "now I have to tell him that I am 8 months pregnant with a lot of complications and wouldn't be able to physically begin work until early May when Ella Bailey is six weeks old." With a huge knot in my throat, I told him these words, but in my disbelief, we scheduled an interview for the next day. After the interview, he offered me the job, with the understanding that I could work from home until Ella Bailey is six weeks, then hit the ground running. Oh. my. gosh. I seriously thought I was dreaming and would have probably hit my knees to pray in the parking lot if I hadn't thought someone would surely dial 911 at this point in my pregnancy. Neverless, there were lots of tears and prayers of gratitute to follow.
Ok, let me pause here and say something. I know that I am probably leaving you hanging by not telling you what I will be doing. However, because of the nature of the business I just don't want to reveal what I will be doing and who I will be working for until I actually start working for them outside of the house. That may sound strange to some (and I promise it is nothing illegal), but it is just a personal preference :)
With that being said, I will continue. Despite the fact that I cannot put into words how excited I am about this opportunity and the great things it will bring to me professionally, I have struggled and faced many emotions over the decision. I keep using the words "decision", but I knew along what I had to do and what would be best for my family. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every triumph or struggle is perfectly placed in our lives by God. I am one that tries to "think" everything out, but I try to always remember that when God places struggles (and we have had many in the past year) in our lives, we may never know the reasoning behind His placement and timing. However, when I received this job offer all of the stuggles from the past year played out sequentially in my mind and the timing of every one of them made perfect sense. It was truly a magnificient moment that literally brought me to my knees and all I could do was thank God.
I soon realized that all of the emotions that were holding me back from being 100% happy with my decision were selfish ones. It was obvious that taking this job was the best choice for my family and in my heart I knew this with complete certainty. However, I had to come to terms with the fact that in order to begin this new path in my life, I had to let go of another one....being a stay-at-home mom. As a mother, we naturally think of our children's best interests first, so I was hesitant about Hayes being away from me after years of us being together 24-7. However, we have a friend (more like family member now) who has babysat Hayes on and off for a while. Right now she is keeping four boys at her house and Hayes literally cries when we come to pick him up. I know that we will have to start looking into a pre-school for Hayes, but he is just so darn happy going to Jennifer's house every day and she agreed to keep him full-time. What a blessing she is! So, I began to wonder that if he loves going to her house so much and gets to play all day with little boys instead of being entertained by his mom all the time, then am I really worried about Hayes being away from me? Or me being away from Hayes?
Definately the second one. It breaks my heart that I will not see him every minute of the day, but I truly believe that I will better appreciate the minutes I do spend with him. It also breaks my heart that I will not have the years at home with Ella Bailey that I had with Hayes. However, thankfully, Jennifer agreed to keep her, as well! Hayes has already began to go to Jennifer's full-time, because I am devoting my days to working from home and I am now on bedrest (more pouting to come on that topic later.) But, Hayes' smile lights up the room every day when he gets home and all he does is talk about all the fun he had that day. I see a new light in his eyes and I thank God for this new path that I know is best for all of us, yet it is still very difficult for me to let go of the old one.
I loved staying home with Hayes and soaking up every moment with him, but I will admit that things had began to change over the last several months. Maya Angelou's quote speaks of a "situation that is not nurturing to the whole woman", and that is precisely what had began to happen to me. I simply did not feel whole. I am one of those (rare I believe) people who goes to college, gets a degree in something they are extremely passionate about and truly loves what they do. I have always felt that my two passions of writing and politics define a very large portion of who I am, and I began to desperately crave to re-gain that portion of myself. Yet, at the same time I felt guilty for not wholy embracing the "stay-at-home mommy and wife" portion of myself. That is when the praying and eventual clarity of the situation began. I thought that for my family the best thing I could do was stay-at-home with Hayes, yet I began to realize that this wasn't true any more. The best thing for our family and for Hayes is for his Mommy to be "whole." I had begun to get into a rut, live totally for my family and forget who I was as a person. I brushed my own wants and desires aside and began to solely live for the desires of two other people. I felt guilty for even wanting a different life for myself, and continually questioned whether it would be the best thing for Hayes and Ella Bailey.
After much prayers, I finally realized that in a heartbeat I would die for Hayes. So, why not get out there and live for him? I had made the decision that once Ella Bailey was born I would begin the job search, but I had not applied for any jobs yet. So, needless to say, words can in no way explain the incredible blessing the phone call was a few weeks ago. It was truly straight from God and I could not be any more thankful. Once again, I am amazed by God's grace, and even though I am still struggling with being away from Hayes, I know that each day I will come home to this smiling face and appreciate it all the more....
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Vegas and Botox
So, here I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself (although for an entirely different reason than usual) and thought I would blog so others could feel sorry for me, too. :) Well, the day is finally here and in approximately 3 hours I will be the big 3-0. Seriously?
I know, I know...atleast I am alive and 30 is really not that old, blah, blah, freakin' blah. It sucks. Period. I have never had a problem with any other birthdays, but in all honesty the thought of turning 30 has truly bothered me for a while.
I will admit that I have always been a bit of a fanatic about skincare and trying all the latest creams and such to reverse the aging process, but I got it honestly. The woman who gave birth to me will not even go through the McDonalds drive-thru without make-up on. The other day I realized I was surely turning into my mother when I caught myself looking into the mirror, pulling all the skin back on my face to create a wrinkle-free (yet oriental) appearance. By the way, if you know my mother please do not tell her about this post because even though I am not happy about this birthday, I would still enjoy a present from her. Also, let me conclude this paragraph by saying that all the effort Mom has put into dodging the aging process has worked, because she is smokin' hot and I hope I am lucky enough to age as beautifully as she has!
So, I am about to say it and judge me all you want....all I wanted for my 30th birthday was one teensy-weensy shot of botox in the forehead. Yep, I said it. I have known for several years that the 30th birthday would depress me, so for years I have planned on two things for my 30th birthday...botox and going to Vegas. I have never been to Vegas, but I am quite certain that every ounce of sadness about turning 30 would be atleast temporarily erased by celebrating Vegas-style. So that was the plan!
Well, guess what WAS NOT in the plans....being 8 months pregnant on my 30th birthday. So, I will be celebrating my 30th birthday old and sober. Instead of living it up in Vegas adorned in a pink feather boa and a freshly-botoxed face, I will be waddling around like a drunken penguin staring at my feet that look shockingly similiar to two big baked potatoes right now. Feeling sorry for me yet?
I guess every cloud has a silver lining, and I did have a rockin' birthday eve party tonight complete with cupcakes, a Kindle and some way cool Spongebob decorations courtesy of this guy....
Besides, I guess those laugh lines and crow's feet can't be that bad if they are the product of days spent laughing until my belly hurts at that sweet face!!
I know, I know...atleast I am alive and 30 is really not that old, blah, blah, freakin' blah. It sucks. Period. I have never had a problem with any other birthdays, but in all honesty the thought of turning 30 has truly bothered me for a while.
I will admit that I have always been a bit of a fanatic about skincare and trying all the latest creams and such to reverse the aging process, but I got it honestly. The woman who gave birth to me will not even go through the McDonalds drive-thru without make-up on. The other day I realized I was surely turning into my mother when I caught myself looking into the mirror, pulling all the skin back on my face to create a wrinkle-free (yet oriental) appearance. By the way, if you know my mother please do not tell her about this post because even though I am not happy about this birthday, I would still enjoy a present from her. Also, let me conclude this paragraph by saying that all the effort Mom has put into dodging the aging process has worked, because she is smokin' hot and I hope I am lucky enough to age as beautifully as she has!
So, I am about to say it and judge me all you want....all I wanted for my 30th birthday was one teensy-weensy shot of botox in the forehead. Yep, I said it. I have known for several years that the 30th birthday would depress me, so for years I have planned on two things for my 30th birthday...botox and going to Vegas. I have never been to Vegas, but I am quite certain that every ounce of sadness about turning 30 would be atleast temporarily erased by celebrating Vegas-style. So that was the plan!
Well, guess what WAS NOT in the plans....being 8 months pregnant on my 30th birthday. So, I will be celebrating my 30th birthday old and sober. Instead of living it up in Vegas adorned in a pink feather boa and a freshly-botoxed face, I will be waddling around like a drunken penguin staring at my feet that look shockingly similiar to two big baked potatoes right now. Feeling sorry for me yet?
I guess every cloud has a silver lining, and I did have a rockin' birthday eve party tonight complete with cupcakes, a Kindle and some way cool Spongebob decorations courtesy of this guy....
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Just requesting a few prayers...
So, here it is...the inevitable "feeling so sorry for myself" blog post. I really try to stay (outwardly) optimistic, not (publicly) complain and for, whatever reason, I don't ask for prayers for myself very often. However, I have felt compelled to do so today and I will explain why.
I was hospitalized again this week for three LONG days and nights, and yes I know, this is nothing new. However, there were a few things that made this hospital stay a little different. First of all, the bigger I get the more my uterus presses on the area where the stones are and the pain gets significantly worse as the weeks go by. When the pain gets unbearable, the vomiting begins and I reach a point where I can't keep any fluids or my meds down. This is the point at which I have to be admitted to the hospital.
The increasing days spent in the hospital is now presenting another challenge. I have had to have IVs so much that basically I no longer have viable veins in my hands or arms. They have put IVs in my neck a couple of times, but this time they decided to use whatever they could in my hands. Well, eventually the ivs began to leak (can't remember the medical terminology) into the tissue and to make a long story short, both my hands and arms are now swollen about 10 times their normal size. No joke. They are swollen to the point that I can't bend my fingers, grasp a fork, or even pick up sweet Hayes. So, they are very concerned about what they will have to do if I am hospitalized many more times.
But this, like the constant pain, is something that I have to endure. I made it through my pregnancy with Hayes (even though it wasn't this bad) and I know that with lots of prayers and the fact that I have put this in the hands of our beyond-amazing God, I can get through it. However, this hospital stay brought on another challenge, which is the reason that I am asking for prayer. All of the challenges I have faced during the last seven months have been problems that solely affected me, but this new challenge is one that could affect Ella Bailey, and that breaks my heart.
While I was in the hospital, I began contracting and eventually they gave me medicine and stopped them. Thankfully, I haven't had any more contractions and my beyond fabulous OB assured me not to worry, but of course with all that is going on, I do have a fear of her being born premature. I had Hayes at 36 weeks and 5 days, and I just pray that I make it that long with this pregnancy. So basically, I know this happens and I shouldn't worry about it, but I would just feel better if my sweet friends sent a few prayers up, and I thank ya dearly in advance :)
I do apologize for the feeling "blah" blog post, but I have been lying here in pain and feeling sorry for myself today. But, gosh darnit, I deserve one of those days. Not to mention that today I saw a FB post by someone that said "It is the best feeling ever to have a life inside of you and I don't understand why some pregnant women complain about every ache and pain." Ohhhh, hell no! Not a good day to read that! Granted, I didn't know the girl, so she certainly wasn't speaking to me, but it took every smidgen of goodness inside this 'ole girl not to send her a message saying something to the extent of "ok hefer, you try having stones covered in spikes slowly making their way down your ureter and spending most of your waking hours in pain much worse than labor . Then, while you are at it, for fun why don't you chase a two-year-old around all day, then you let me know what kind of complaining you do."
But, instead of sending the message, I chose to blog and ask for prayers. By the way, while you are at, please also pray for a little patience for this momma, because as you can see, I definately need it.
Not that I feel that this post needs a disclaimer, but let me say this, not because I feel I need to, but because it is the truth. I DO know that I am so incredibly blessed beyond imagination. I DO know that I have the best family, friends, support system, OB, etc. that any girl could ask for. I DO know that in 8 WEEKS every twinge of pain will be completely worth it when I look into Ella Bailey's sweet face. I DO know that there are so many people in this world with problems that my little challenges pale in comparison to. I DO know that I have felt no greater peace in my life than during times like these when I truly hand these problems over to God and entirely trust Him with them. But, I DO also know that a girl has to vent sometimes, and today I am content doing just that.
But, while I am venting and asking for prayers, I wanted to share a passage from a fabulous book that I just finished reading called "A Perfect Mess" by Lisa Harper. Her words remind me of the incredible beauty that follows these "venting" days when we as Christians trust our pain to Him.
"I am convinced that trusting God with our pain and disappointment leads to greater intimacy with Him. When we tell god where and why it hurts, we will experience divine embraces that last until our souls stop quivering. We will hear comforting whispers that mute our cries of distress. We will sense nail-scarred hands reaching down to tilt our faces toward Him, followed by the promise 'I am right here...I'll never leave you.'"
I was hospitalized again this week for three LONG days and nights, and yes I know, this is nothing new. However, there were a few things that made this hospital stay a little different. First of all, the bigger I get the more my uterus presses on the area where the stones are and the pain gets significantly worse as the weeks go by. When the pain gets unbearable, the vomiting begins and I reach a point where I can't keep any fluids or my meds down. This is the point at which I have to be admitted to the hospital.
The increasing days spent in the hospital is now presenting another challenge. I have had to have IVs so much that basically I no longer have viable veins in my hands or arms. They have put IVs in my neck a couple of times, but this time they decided to use whatever they could in my hands. Well, eventually the ivs began to leak (can't remember the medical terminology) into the tissue and to make a long story short, both my hands and arms are now swollen about 10 times their normal size. No joke. They are swollen to the point that I can't bend my fingers, grasp a fork, or even pick up sweet Hayes. So, they are very concerned about what they will have to do if I am hospitalized many more times.
But this, like the constant pain, is something that I have to endure. I made it through my pregnancy with Hayes (even though it wasn't this bad) and I know that with lots of prayers and the fact that I have put this in the hands of our beyond-amazing God, I can get through it. However, this hospital stay brought on another challenge, which is the reason that I am asking for prayer. All of the challenges I have faced during the last seven months have been problems that solely affected me, but this new challenge is one that could affect Ella Bailey, and that breaks my heart.
While I was in the hospital, I began contracting and eventually they gave me medicine and stopped them. Thankfully, I haven't had any more contractions and my beyond fabulous OB assured me not to worry, but of course with all that is going on, I do have a fear of her being born premature. I had Hayes at 36 weeks and 5 days, and I just pray that I make it that long with this pregnancy. So basically, I know this happens and I shouldn't worry about it, but I would just feel better if my sweet friends sent a few prayers up, and I thank ya dearly in advance :)
I do apologize for the feeling "blah" blog post, but I have been lying here in pain and feeling sorry for myself today. But, gosh darnit, I deserve one of those days. Not to mention that today I saw a FB post by someone that said "It is the best feeling ever to have a life inside of you and I don't understand why some pregnant women complain about every ache and pain." Ohhhh, hell no! Not a good day to read that! Granted, I didn't know the girl, so she certainly wasn't speaking to me, but it took every smidgen of goodness inside this 'ole girl not to send her a message saying something to the extent of "ok hefer, you try having stones covered in spikes slowly making their way down your ureter and spending most of your waking hours in pain much worse than labor . Then, while you are at it, for fun why don't you chase a two-year-old around all day, then you let me know what kind of complaining you do."
But, instead of sending the message, I chose to blog and ask for prayers. By the way, while you are at, please also pray for a little patience for this momma, because as you can see, I definately need it.
Not that I feel that this post needs a disclaimer, but let me say this, not because I feel I need to, but because it is the truth. I DO know that I am so incredibly blessed beyond imagination. I DO know that I have the best family, friends, support system, OB, etc. that any girl could ask for. I DO know that in 8 WEEKS every twinge of pain will be completely worth it when I look into Ella Bailey's sweet face. I DO know that there are so many people in this world with problems that my little challenges pale in comparison to. I DO know that I have felt no greater peace in my life than during times like these when I truly hand these problems over to God and entirely trust Him with them. But, I DO also know that a girl has to vent sometimes, and today I am content doing just that.
But, while I am venting and asking for prayers, I wanted to share a passage from a fabulous book that I just finished reading called "A Perfect Mess" by Lisa Harper. Her words remind me of the incredible beauty that follows these "venting" days when we as Christians trust our pain to Him.
"I am convinced that trusting God with our pain and disappointment leads to greater intimacy with Him. When we tell god where and why it hurts, we will experience divine embraces that last until our souls stop quivering. We will hear comforting whispers that mute our cries of distress. We will sense nail-scarred hands reaching down to tilt our faces toward Him, followed by the promise 'I am right here...I'll never leave you.'"
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