Our family has had a year filled with emotional ups and downs, and even though I wasn't so thankful for the "downs" at the moment, it amazes me now to look back upon the great lessons and blessing that were hidden inside those times of grief. I won't even begin to discuss the ups or the downs, or even all the blessing my family has been given this year, because there is simply not enough words or blogspace to adequately discuss all of them. However, I would like to mention one thing that I am incredibly thankful for this year.
Our baby girl...Ella Bailey. In the days leading up to the moment we found out I was pregnant, I had went back to work and loved every second of working for the Johnson for Governor campaign. Hayes was doing great at the sitter's and I realized that I was happiest when I was working out of the home and of course our financial situation was healthier, which helped a great deal. So, when on primary night I was out of a job again, I was so determined and excited about finding a job and getting back in the groove of my career. I was finally getting over the severe post-partum depression and David and I had decided that I was going to get my career back on track and we would wait several years before having another child. Then came the news of a very unplanned pregnancy. I admit all of my feelings in this moment involved selfishness and sadness. The timing was awful. I wasnt ready. I couldn't deal of the possibilty of post-partum depression so soon. Nobody is going to hire me pregnant. I am just not ready for a newborn again, etc.
It took me several weeks of feeling sorry for myself and being upset to realize the beauty of God's plan for us and really embrace it. It took me waking up one morning absolutely certain that I had lost this baby and rushing to the doctor hysterical only to hear the ultrasound tech say "Wow, there is a heartbeat. This baby is holding on for you, mama. What a little miracle." And it certainly was that...a miracle. In a few short hours I had gone from being devestated by being pregnant to wanting nothing more in this world than to be able to hold this little being inside me in 9 months. Then, of course God began placing people in my life that were having difficulties getting pregnant and I really began to understand the true miracle every little baby is.
Then, a couple of months later we got the most amazing news....IT'S A GIRL!! I have always dreamed of having a little girl. For some reason, maybe it was the fact that David's family is all boys, but I just never thought I would get my wish of having that girl. Anybody that knows me understand this, because I am definately a pink-loving, frilly, girlie girl! Dont get me wrong, little boys are the sweetest things in the whole world, but knowing I would have one of each just made me feel....complete. When the lady told us we were having a girl, it literally took my breath away, because I just kept thinking about God's plan for us...and how perfect it was.
I will admit that I do feel a little ashamed that I have the thoughts and feelings I had when I found out I was pregnant, but I am only human and we all question God's plan from time to time. I just got out of the hospital yesterday after three days, and my fourth time being hospitalized this pregnancy. I struggle with understanding why I have to deal with these kidney stones during two pregnancies. But, come March, every moment of sickness and every ounce of pain, will be only a memory when I look into the eyes of this little miracle that God has blessed me with. Thank you, God.
And some pictures of our other little blessing this Thanksgiving...
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